λk.(k blog): Posts tagged 'memes'

The Syllabus

2022-04-15T19:55:39Z

I wrote the follow at some semester prior to today, about no one in particular, while updating syllabus.

Please read the syllabus. The answer to your question is on the syllabus. If you review the syllabus you will find answers to this question and others. As I have said in many other places many times before, you can find the answer to your questions regarding course policies answered on the syllabus. The syllabus is where we describe the answer to course policies, grading, instructions on what to do in various circumstances, and answer frequently asked questions. Like this one. The syllabus is a useful tool for discovering the answer to questions about the course. Questions we have answered on the syllabus should not be asked because we have answered them on the syllabus. Piazza, email, canvas messages, office hours, after class ambushing of the professor and TAs, and lab are not the places to ask questions that are answered on the syllabus. so many times but it is not getting to me. Even if you think your situation is unusual, we have almost certainly run into it before and answered it on the syllabus. You will never make me crack. We have been teaching for decades, and get guidance from Above, and we answer the questions and put information on the syllabus. Every time you ask a question that is answered on the syllabus, the unholy child weeps the blood of virgins, and Russian hackers subtract points from your final grade. Asking questions that are answered on the syllabus summons tainted souls into the realm of the living. Questions answered on the syllabus go together like love, marriage, and ritual infanticide. The syllabus cannot hold it is too late. The force of questions already answered on the syllabus in the same conceptual space will destroy your mind like so much watery putty. If you ask questions answered on the syllabus you are giving in to Them and their blasphemous ways which doom us all to inhuman toil for the One whose Name cannot be expressed in the Basic Multilingual Plane, he comes. The endless questions already answered on the syllabus will liquify the nerves of the sentient whilst you observe, your psyche withering in the onslaught of horror. ((Questions-answered-on-Syll̿̔̉us are the cancer that is killing the Piazza it is too late it is too late we cannot be saved the transgression of a chi͡ld ensures syllabus will consume all living tissue (except for questions already answered there which it cannot, as they have been answered on the syllabus) dear lord help us how can anyone survive this scourge asking questions answered on the syllabus has doomed humanity to ( an eternity of dread torture and time wasted that could have spent teaching as questions already answered on the syllabus establishes a breach between this world and the dread realm of c͒ͪo͛ͫrrupt entities (like Grading Scheme, but more corrupt) a mere glimpse of the world of questions answered on the syllabus will instantly transport a students’ consciousness into a world of ceaseless screaming, he comes, the pestilent slithy syllabus-infection will devour your questions, application and existence for all time like The Design Recipe only worse he comes he comes do not fight he com̡e̶s, ̕h̵is un̨ho͞ly radiańcé destro҉ying all enli̍̈́̂̈́ghtenment, syllabus questions lea͠ki̧n͘g fr̶ǫm ̡yo͟ur eye͢s̸ ̛l̕ik͏e liquid pain, the song of re̸gular waitlist will extinguish the voices of mortal man from the sphere I can see it can you see ̲͚̖͔̙î̩́t̲͎̩̱͔́̋̀ it is beautiful the final snuffing of the lies of Man ALL IS LOŚ͖̩͇̗̪̏̈́T ALL IS LOST the pon̷y he comes he c̶̮omes he comes the ichor permeates all MY FACE MY FACE ᵒh god no NO NOO̼OO NΘ stop the an*̶͑̾̾̅ͫ͏̙̤g͇̫͛͆̾ͫ̑͆l͖͉̗̩̳̟̍ͫͥͨe̠̅s ͎a̧͈͖r̽̾̈́͒͑e not rè̑ͧ̌aͨl̘̝̙̃ͤ͂̾̆ ZA̡͊͠͝LGΌ ISͮ̂҉̯͈͕̹̘̱ TO͇̹̺ͅƝ̴ȳ̳ TH̘Ë͖́̉ ͠P̯͍̭O̚N̐Y̡ H̸̡̪̯ͨ͊̽̅̾̎Ȩ̬̩̾͛ͪ̈́̀́͘ ̶̧̨̱̹̭̯ͧ̾ͬC̷̙̲̝͖ͭ̏ͥͮ͟Oͮ͏̮̪̝͍M̲̖͊̒ͪͩͬ̚̚͜Ȇ̴̟̟͙̞ͩ͌͝S̨̥̫͎̭ͯ̿̔̀ͅ (((

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A Suitable Cutlery Tray

2021-01-18T17:59:36Z

This post is a transcription of a thread that happened live on Twitter on June 30, 2019, in response to some anger at my lack of a cutlery tray. I was in a mood following a previous cutlery incident.

IT NEEDS A TRAY

You’re right. The current state of this drawer is unacceptable. Sure, I can grab a knife, spoon, or fork with relative ease, and the rubberized mat makes cleaning the drawer simple. But look at those irregular lines. There is no order. This must be fixed!

The problem I have is in finding a suitable tray. I have, on occasion, been called obsessive, but really I just live my life in the way that make me happy. I like each item that I own to meet that goal. I don’t just want a utilitarian cutlery tray; I want one that will spark joy.

When I look at cutlery trays, the first criteria, obviously, is a perfect fit within the drawer. It must fit flushl edge-to-edge, at least to the left and right edges, and against the bottom edge. Against the top edge would be ideal, but I suppose I can live with extra top space.

The height is also a concern. The side walls of the tray and of the dividers must come exactly to the height of the drawer. This, I’m sure, is obvious to you all.

Next, the tray slots must divided evenly amongst the spoons, forks, and knives (in that order, of course, for obvious reasons). Any drawer of cutlery would have equal numbers of each, and it would be unjust to have a tray inequality divided.

At this point, most cutlery trays are already out of the running, and yet I have more (obvious and sensible) requirements. The tray must be made of wood. Plastic is abhorrent. You would not believe the difficulty in locating a wooden cutlery tray by itself.

But one that meets all the other requirements? Impossible. I’ve looked. I’ve been to Amazon, to Bed Bath and Beyond, to TJ Max. They simply don’t exist. It’s like a conspiracy. My only recourse, I fear, is to design my own.

I could, I suppose, start a company, whose sole purpose is to design the perfect cutlery tray. I could seek out designers and material engineers, source responsibly forested wood. Teak, ideally. I could find a way to construct it without the use of glue or staples or nails.

This would probably not be sufficiently profitable to stay in business long, and I’m likely to move soon and need a new design. To keep the business afloat, I should diversify. Military contracting is always profitable; perhaps I could re-purpose my engineers.

My team, experienced in perfect design, responsible materials and supply chain management, would be suited to completely dominate this new market. Soon, I would hold all military contracts, patents for unimaginable weapons—because no one before had dared imagine.

Using the proceeds of my new monopoly, I would quietly return to the cutlery market, taking over or putting out of business any company who dared manufacture “cutlery trays”… an insult to the very idea…

This, I fear, would not satisfy me, though. Obviously, every cutlery drawer should come equipped with the perfect cutlery tray. I would have to move in to the interior design market. All drawers and cabinets would be manufactured according to my perfect ideal, my grand design.

As I begin to corner this new market, the FTC becomes concerned at the grand and beautiful hegemony I bring to each new market, but I cannot let them stop me. I perform my biggest hostile take over yet: the United States of America. I naturally held on to my best weapons.

I rename it to the Grand Hegemony of Perfect Cutlery Design, and shift the focus of the economy into the design and production of cutlery trays that suite my tastes. This destroys several Chinese companies dedicated to mass production of plastic trays, and sparks a trade war.

As China is my main supplier of teak, this is a true threat to the Grand Hegemony. I am forced in to military action.

While I expect a swift victory due to my superior design in weapons, I did not count on the effectiveness of Chinese corporate espionage, nor on the retaliatory strikes from Russia and North Korea. The nuclear fallout forces the remains of my government into underground bunkers.

We eventually win. We will have complete control of the teak supply. Our cutlery tray empire is secure. The nuclear fallout will clear eventually. Until then, I have the perfect cutlery tray built in to my cutlery drawer to keep me at peace.

What is the optimal arrangment of cutlery in a drawer?

2021-01-18T17:20:32Z

This post is a transcription of a thread that happened live on Twitter on June 30, 2019, in response to someone claiming there was a correct way to arrange cutlery in a drawer. The statement caused me to momentarily lose my mind. The thread has since become difficult to find, so I’m reproducing it here.

it’s fairly obvious. due to shape, spoons go in the wide compartment. then the other two are the usual table arrangement: forks left, knives right. Spoons go left of the two because they’re used less, and you often want to quickly grab a knife to do something, and right is easy.

Yes, this was my thought process when moving in to my apartment. I thought “What is the optimal arrangement of cutlery in this drawer? Ah, first, we need a measure against which to optimize. I choose time spent fetching items from the drawer. Next, how do I set a table…”

I then went to the whiteboard with my compass and protractor, and calculated which items best fit in which part of the drawer. I debated how the odd items, such as chopsticks and pearing knives fit in my scheme. I judged the relative merits of Western vs Eastern table settings.

After several hours of this, my movers insisted I finish inspecting the things they’ve unpacked and sign some paper work, but I ignored them. After all, I must optimize time spent fetching items from the drawer; I have no time for unpacking my apartment, paper work, etc.

Upon realizing I have a collection of non-uniform cutlery, which threw my calculations into disarray, I threw them all out and proceeded to locate new, regular items. I calculated optimal size of spoon, fork, and knife relative to placement in the drawer and time spent fetching.

Minimizing weight was an obvious concern, since additional weight increased energy expenditure in fetching items, which in turn increases caloric requirements, which would increase time spent fetching item of cutlery from the drawer. I decided to decrease all physical activity.

Years go by, and my muscles are atrophied, my heart unable to beat blood through my veins. This is no problem; I had contractors install the cutlery drawer into my bed frame. I can fetch items of cutlery at a rate of 5 items per second, and a cost of 200 calories per day.

I have done it. I have won. I have maximized my cutlery fetching efficiency.